"I Want To Be Your Cat"
My Cat Resume    Created by Lope
the cat man, lounging on someone's bed, claims he can do better than this creature
I'm hiring myself out as a pet cat to anyone who wants to own me. I truly believe I would make a great pet cat, much better than your typical cat. If you're interested we'll sign a one year contract, renegotiable at the end of the term. Basically, I'll provide all the services of a pet cat, while you pay for all my food and housing, plus incidentals.
Things About Me
I am at my best slacking off, sitting around the house, that kind of thing. Very much like a cat. My lifelong passion and hobby is napping, and my qualifications in this field are impecabble. Sometimes I change rooms or chairs, and sometimes I even go to the front window to see what's going on in the street. One of my favorite moments is the long drawn out yawn accompanied by a full body stretch. At nights I like to take a nip outside and prowl around town, getting back a bit before sunrise.
My Job Experience
1995-1998: lived at my parent's. No job whatsoever and lounged around the house. Performed these duties admirably.
1998-2000: lived at my sister's place with her fiance. Still no job, watched TV mostly from the couch, sometimes the floor. Achieved all goals and overcame all obstacles, gained the experience needed to move myself forward professionally.
2000-2004: lived at my girlfriend's. No job, lounged around in her backyard when she was away, curled up on her lap when she got home. Tough situation but rose to the occasion.
What I Will Do As Your Pet Cat
Basically my objective is to fulfill all the duties of a domestic cat. I promise to sit around the house all day doing nothing, catch naps, maybe watch some TV. I will NOT do any work whatsoever, nor will I pick up the phone. Since we cats like to stay clean I will have a long warm bath two times a day. When you come back after work, I will give you 30 seconds of affection, then go back to my nap. If you speak to me about what happened at work I will gaze impassively at the wall, and you will have no idea whether I am listening to you or not. I will largely ignore any friends or relatives you bring over.
What You Will Do As My Owner
Your job is to provide me with all the food I need to stay happy. (uhh, I'm a talented cat too so I know how to open the fridge and help myself to food, keep it stocked). Its also up to you to keep the place clean so I can find plenty of areas to sit and nap. As a potential owner you'll most definitely have a TV with satellite (like all cats I'm mesmerized by the moving things on the screen) that I'll be able to watch while you're at work. All medical/dental expenses covered by you the employer. I'm not your typical stay-at-home house cat so it's vital you leave a window open at night so I can go out and roam. Don't worry where I go, if it makes you feel better than leave me some spending cash on the table before you go to bed.
So how does that sound? If you are interested in having the cat man as your cat then send him an email
The cat man is also interested in meeting other pet cats. Send him a resume and if he likes it he'll host it. Email the cat man here.
© JPK and Lope
2002. Pictures by GMC